Apocalypse Now.




I want to preface with. " I don't REALLY think the world is going to end on Dec. 21st."

But, I suddenly find that it is December.(?!?!) And, well. What if? There is no denying that the possibility crosses the mind. As does the possibility of being struck by a falling anvil, or winning the lottery. I picture myself as one of millions of people that wake up(?)  that day and say, "Well, shit. Ain't that a bitch?" with the sad and deep irony of ... well, someone in exactly that situation.

Perhaps it's worth using the fallacy of an apocalypse to evaluate my life. Generate a wish list. Look at what I can cram into my 21 days. Perhaps I can spend a little more of my month focused on the present, and enjoying the here and now of this beautiful gift that is my life.

Some of these are my favorite things. And some of these are my favorite dreams.

1. Go to Europe. Stay in a castle.
2. Hug.
3. Laugh until my stomach hurts.
4. Watch the first season of The Walking Dead.
5. Go to the Grand Canyon.
6. Eat lemon squares.
7. Love.
8. Share with friends, family, and everyone in between.
9. Go to the opera.
10. Snuggle.
11. Learn tricks on aerial fabric.
12. Frolic in the rain.
13. Play in the snow.
14. Fall asleep in the sunshine.
15. Ride a train across Canada.
16. Get my masters' degree.
17. Tell some really good jokes.
18. Enjoy a perfect cup of coffee.
19.  Eat at Tommy's Thai.
20.  Fix my tattoo/get another.
21. See one of my former students become famous for something.
22. Meet Jon Stewart.
23. Lose ten pounds.
24. Kiss under a blanket of stars.
25. Write a book.
26.  Love.
27. Be touched by a miracle.
28. Soak at Ojo.
29. Read.
30. Dance to live music.

Buyer's Remorse.

 

 

This is Emily Compton, a recurring guest contributer to "I'm Rambling." Emily has been a friend of mine since the fourth grade. Her unpublished works, such as the "Igor Gogel Giggleheimer Schmidt" series, are as yet, undiscovered classics. Stay tuned for more from this amazing author.

 

 

 

 

Buyer’s Remorse

Ahhhh, the holidays. The happiest time of the year. When people give thanks for their families, friends and blessings. And when we go shopping to show how much we love one another. Black Friday, Small Business Saturday, Cyber Monday & Tuesday were all created by the media and businesses for us consumers to go out and buy, buy, buy.

 

I get the implications of these shopping days on our economy. I did buy a pair of pants for myself from a locally owned clothing shop on Saturday. I spent more on these pair of pants than I will probably spend on my children’s Christmas gifts. I did need a new pair of pants, I did not need the pants I bought. They are black, tight & shiny and look fantastic on. They are still in the bag sitting on my dresser. When will I wear these pants? I don’t think they are appropriate for a construction site, so I won’t be wearing them to work. My upcoming weekends will be spent at hockey games and the ski valley, so I won’t be wearing them then. I can’t remember the last time the hubby and I went out for a date night, (we’re terribly broke and going out is an expense we can’t afford). But I can afford an incredibly expensive pair of pants……

 

These big ticket items are always so enticing when they’re on the rack, but a little nerve racking when you get them home. I bought a new car in June, and while I totally needed a new car, once I got it home I freaked out a bit. My previous car was paid off, and 5 months later I’m still trying to adjust to the monthly payment. And I wisely dropped almost half of my car payment on new pants.

 

And I want more - I want expensive jewelry, which I will probably never wear – I already have lots of jewelry that sits in a box, the only jewelry I ever wear are my wedding rings & watch. I want new skis – I already have two beautiful like new pairs of skis (these I would use). I want to travel – specifically I want to go to the Jazz Fest in New Orleans next April, but if we do travel, we should go to New Jersey to visit Corey’s family. NEW BOOTS! I have six pairs of boots, but I love, love, love boots.

 

Every year at this time I start to think about us as consumers. We need, want, have to have so much, but do we really? The media plays all this up so well, we are forced to believe that we can lead a lifestyle our incomes can’t sustain. The term “champagne taste on a beer budget” totally applies to my life and to lives of many of the people I know. Our real needs are the simple things – we all know this. A roof over our heads, our dear friends and families, yet we still feel like we need all the extra “stuff”.

 

So I think tomorrow I will wear a bunch of jewelry and my new shiny black pants to work. I think I’ll also wear a pair of boots.

fuck you Fear.

I woke up today and I said "fuck you Fear"

fear of the future, fear of the present,
fear of what's happened, fear of what hasn't.
Get out of my head! Get out of my heart!
There is no role for you to play the part!

I looked into the hearts that I saw in my day.
your sickly touch affected them all in some way.
fear of their worth, fear of their stature,
fear of their parents, and fear of the here after.

fear of zombies and fear of pain,
fear of drought and fear of rain.
fear of mistakes,
fear of heartaches,
fear of failure, fear of success
fear of too little, fear of excess...

wait. stop. You almost sucked me in.
well played, Fear, but you will never win.
Taking care of yourself is hard sometimes.
When Fear takes advantage and plants land mines.

But I can bring joy, and I can bring peace,
I can help the best and feed the least.
I will be back tomorrow and every day after
because fear cannot conquer love and laughter.

I woke up today and I said,  "fuck you Fear".
(Insert battle cry here.)

The best thing about.



Any study on happiness and success will show you that gratitude is one of the, if not THE, most important things to experience and express.  In this day and age, there is no doubt that teachers are responsible for helping to create highly functioning, happy adults. As such, I have been focusing on gratitude this month.  Yesterday's activity was as follows. Students had to complete the sentence "The best thing about ____ is ____"  for 34 random things.
I enjoy activities like this, because it gives my analytical mind an opportunity to make quantifiable observations about other people. For example, the most commonly skipped question was "The best thing about my body is ___"  Saddening and reminding me that a true love of self and body takes specific attention. (note to self: spend some time talking about self-worth and how we create body images) 
There were many wonderful, encouraging answers. Such as "The best thing about right now is we are all talking about good things in life." OR "The best thing about this school is it is the beginning of a good life."  OR my personal favorites "The best thing about this classroom is it is the best in the school...the energy...a place of sanctuary...the teacher..."
BUT let's face it. We don't really want to read a bunch of excellent answers. We want to read the funny ones. 

Here is a compilation of the ones that made me chuckle...

...my neighborhood..."I run it"  hahaa. whatever.

 

...kleenex..."can really be a lifesaver"...who hasn't been there? snot about to drip down; bats in the cave...thank you kleenex!

 

...kleenex..."It's not toilet paper"...SO true...toilet paper that is too rough, or only one ply! no THANK YOU!

 

...cars..."A perfect place to perform songs to myself"...YUP! Love a car concert!

 

...my brain..."it has a giant capacity, more than most people think." ...hmmm. maybe.

 

...paper clips..."they make papers feel official."...as opposed to staples, or that complex bend/tear/bend crap which feel so...casual?

 

...dogs..."they don't care where they use the bathroom."...now I know where all those random wet spots around campus are coming from...hmmm...

 

...boys... "we stand when we pee."...sometimes I am quite jealous of this fact...ie. camping.

 

...right now..."I just made a funny joke."...one of the best feelings EVER!

 

...this classroom..."I can see all of humanities mistakes."...hopefully he meant reflected in history, not in the people who are present.

 

...girls..."they cook"...quite the charmer. way to dig deep on that one.

 

...my name..."everyone knows it"...nope. It's not Norm.

 

To the following I simply reply..."Agreed"

 

...movies..."Clint Eastwood"

 

...this town..."fiestas"

 

...birds..."They fry up real nice"

 

AND my personal favorite...

...the shopping mall...the ample supply of zombie protection supplies"

Changing of the Guard.

 

 

"...The life of a man is a circle from childhood to childhood, and so it is in everything where power moves."  Black Elk

I am faced today with feeling "my age".  You know "feeling" 35 in the way that I used to "imagine" 35.  Usually, I'm pretty sure that I am still 25.  I think the introspection is because I have a birthday coming up. While I love having a day that I can claim is all about me, birthdays now also give me a slight sense of dread.

Aging is awesome because it brings the wisdom, clarity and confidence acquired ONLY by time.  Conversely, it is also a landscape filled with new, and often depressing discoveries. Hangovers last for days, people call you "ma'am", parts of your body crack.  I have even started saying and BELIEVING things I swore I never would. "You will understand when you are older", "Punishing you hurts me more than it hurts you" and the kicker "You need to care about (recycling/ poverty/ politics/ fossil fuels/ the Middle East) because as the next generation, you will have to find solutions to these problems." Man, that line used to piss me off. Why was it MY responsibility to clean up after someone else's mess?  Actually, it still kinda pisses me off. Don't worry kiddos I hold out hope for substantial contributions from my generation.  We are still fighting the good fight. However, the possibilities for my own future are no longer endless. I will not be the President of the United States, and I won't be curing any diseases.  Mostly because I don't want to be the President, and I am too lazy to devote my life to scientific research.  This is not a pity party, this is a just a commentary on my shifting reality. 

Yesterday, two icons from my childhood died. Neil Armstrong, and the voice of The Count from Sesame Street.  It made me think a lot about the importance of heroes and beloved characters in the shaping of the youth.  We learned invaluable lessons about discovery, curiosity and bravery in a world enamored with science.  We learned to have a passion for counting, and vampires.

I realize that children will still learn about Neil Armstrong, and Sesame Street is still on the air.  However, there is admittedly a difference between being able to experience a hero as a living person, and reading about some dead guy.  There is a difference between the voice and vision of an original, and someone who replaces a character. 

It is my fervent hope that the imagination and inspiration sparked by these now departed souls will find new life to lead our next generations into greatness. We sure do need them. 

The Reunion.

"We both are so excited 'cuz we're reunited, hey-hey"

The first few days without facebook were hard; I lost all the contact pictures on my phone, I couldn't play bejeweled blitz, I couldn't ruthlessly stalk anyone, and I lost all my words with friends games. Don't worry, as important as these things sound, it quickly became OK. 

Immediately, it became obvious how much facebook permeates society.  It is a treasure trove of conversation topics, "Oh did you see _______ on facebook?"  It is sometimes a live social activity.  There was more than one occasion where I was the only one of a group not checking facebook on my phone. Though there were times I felt sorta out of the loop, I also liked that I could fly under the radar.  No one knew where I was, or what I was doing.

While I was unable to keep in touch with some people, I found that I kept in BETTER touch with others. More texts and phone calls were exchanged than would have occurred otherwise. A huge shout out to my super awesome friends who kept me in the loop.
  
The first few days back were great. Cybercomradarie is a real, tangible thing. I appreciate the support that you can get from social media, but my need for it is much decreased.  Social media can be super pushy if you aren't careful.  After a day of constant beeps, I deactivated the alerts on my phone because I disagree with facebook that I need to know the SECOND someone posts something.  

Throughout my summer, I continued to collect pictures, and record things I would have posted.  I gained a new appreciation for considering what I put out there. My thoughts appear below, unedited for importance.

-Sometimes Kraft mac and cheese is delicious.

-Smoky air sucks.

-The Price is Right fixes everything.

-Google does the coolest stuff with their homepage.. Brilliant.

-The Railrunner is flipping awesome. Riding a train facing backwards is not.

-mmmmm. Rain.

-Someone should bottle "steak on a grill". cologne?  air freshener?

-Summer Solstice spent camping under a dark blanket of stars right next to the river. Yes please.

-While concerned about wearing my "you REALLY need to do laundry" clothing line. I remembered I was going to Wal Mart.

-mmmmmm. bacon.

-It is a nap until bedtime kinda day.

-Summer: when you put in a full workday drinking.

-Johnny Depp! Where ARE you?!?

-Apparently, being born in the months of September to November increase the likelihood of living to 100! hells ya!

-mmmmmm. bloody Mary's.

-When House of Pain says "jump around". You do it.

-Channeling Jersey Shore...Agenda for today: exercise, lay out at the pool, and do some laundry.

-No good whistle ever came from a van.

-OLYMPICS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Ryan Lochte is my boyfriend.

The Giving Tree.

I have discovered I am a personifier. 
I hate going to zoos because I spend all my time imagining the emotional termoil of the animals.
AND I name my vehicles, crying when I trade them in, as though I were abandoning a loyal, old friend.

Buying a car is a horrible experience.
You are accosted the minute you arrive by whatever salesperson runs the fastest.
You are made to feel poor when you offer up your meager bottom line.
You have to try and act smooth while test driving a car that is totally foreign to you.
You wait for the "offer" from the "Deal or No Deal banker"/ rat bastard, behind the colored glass.
You wait for the car to be cleaned.
You wait.
By the time you leave, you aren't even sure what happened while you were in there, but now you drive a(n) insert car name here.

Faithful to my role as a personifier, I mourned, and composed the following, while cruising my new car, cool from the novelty of air conditioning.

For Ed.

You took me across the country.

You happily carried me camping, to work and on snowy mountain drives.

You easily moved the treasured possessions of myself and many others.

You were never afraid of a curb, or a dirt road.

What little repair you needed was due to the negligence of others, and they paid the expenses for it.

You were always up for a good fast drive, riding high above others on the road.

You took good care of me, my Ed.

Thank you, I will miss you.

 

Mean Girls

Warning: There is some profanity in this post.

When I was a young girl, probably about 12 years old, I had my first interaction with human cruelty.  A friend of mine called me on the phone and after chatting for a few minutes about whatever it is that 12 year old girls talk about, she asked me what I thought about a mutual friend of ours.  I asked why and her response was that she was angry at our friend and she could be a “bitch sometimes”.  I agreed and even said, “Yes, she can be a bitch”.  It was then our “bitch” friend, who, unbeknownst to me, was listening on another line, chimed in and called me out for talking trash about her. 

Initially I was totally confused and hurt by this little game of deception and entrapment. Even though I didn’t actually think my friend was a bitch, my reaction was to agree and participate in the friend bashing, so really my behavior was no better than that of my friends’.  It goes to show that from an early age we begin testing our abilities in the arts of manipulation and shadiness. 

There is camaraderie in sharing those judgments and angers about others.  It’s that first moment in a conversation, when someone else is mentioned, and you lean in, and conspiratorially whisper in hushed tones about that person, your heart beat quickens and your mind races to contribute those juicy little tidbits you’ve stored away for just this occasion and BAM!  You’re an asshole, talking shit about your friends and acquaintances.  I realized this happened a lot more than I would have thought in the past 10 days.  And almost every time my base reaction was to jump right into it.  Since I was in the midst of my “karma cleanse”, I refrained from saying anything negative, and actively tried to speak only positive things about the subjects of conversations.  I found this helped to nudge the others participating in the conversations to turn their comments to positive ones as well

It’s actually quite easy to say positive things about people and defend their actions. Just put yourself in their position and you’ll see that most people are just doing the best they can.  And I don’t want to give the impression that I spent all my time prior to the past 10 days ruthlessly bashing people.  But I am guilty of participating in some situations.    I realize that if I have been doing it, what are people saying about me?  Truthfully, I don’t want to know, and I hope I never do. (I live in a bubble where everyone loves me and thinks I’m FANTASTIC!) 

So if my fantasy bubble is ever to become a reality, I’ll keep practicing positivity.  With a few exceptions - I plan on talking shit about those two bitches that set me up when I was 12 every chance I get. 

The Rules.

"According to the seed that’s sown,
So is the fruit you reap there from,
Doer of good will gather good,
Doer of evil, evil reaps,
Down is the seed and thou shalt taste
The fruit thereof."

The Samyutta Nikaya

My ten day karma cleanse is up, and it is time for reflection.  While I did have one experience that I thought related directly to this project, mostly, what I had were lots of interesting conversations about karma.

The very first day of the karma cleanse, I allowed a young gentleman with only one item to go in front of me at the grocery store.  I thought nothing of it until he offered his sincere thanks, then it occurred to me that I had earned a karma point! Ka-CHING! Wait. Is it possible that my prideful acknowledgement of the moment had tarnished the karma point? Oh MAN! What are the exact rules of karma? I mean, do I get the point? or not?

I find it is very interesting how widely believed karma is. A friend of mine was scolded by a very conservative parent for referencing karma in a Catholic school classroom, however, even the most devout Catholics firmly believe that you "reap what you sow".  Originally a part of the dogma of ancient Indian religions, popular culture has no problems accepting parts of karma as truth.  I say parts because many people do not buy into the reincarnation aspect of karma, even though this belief is essential to understanding the original Eastern ideas of karma. Hmm. Lots of different perspectives, this quest for rules is going to be more difficult than I had hoped.

So, what are some of my own beliefs about karma? Once I began to analyze, I realized how nebulous and self serving my concept of karma can be.  How many times have I been comforted by the thought that "what goes around comes around"? I have certainly thanked the laws of karma for coming to get someone who has wronged me, "even if I don't get to see it."  YIKES! There are parts of me that like karma, because I secretly want people to get what I think they deserve.  Brutal Sier.  I believe that thoughts have power, but wish I could deny the fact that my thoughts carry a karmic weight.  I REALLY have to answer for all of my thoughts?!? Ugh. Toe kick. Gulp.  (Maybe I should take a second look at that "adopt an orphan to kill bad karma" option). To make me look a little less selfish, let me remind you that karma has done some pretty ugly things to cultures and societies as well.  The rigid social class system and Untouchables of India are a direct result of the belief that you are reborn to the karmic life you deserve. Here, the laws of karma made it possible to look down on others, and deny them the free will necessary to change their situations. A karmic conundrum to be sure.

However complicated karma may be, I found that I love its logical cooperation between the ideas of free will and fate.  Most concepts of karma accept that it is a fluid, changing scale.  We can build up an arsenal of good (or bad) choices to affect our futures.  Whew!  I believe that the widespread acceptance of karma indicates that it is an inherent law of the universe, not tied to a religion.  The thought that karma waits around for the appropriate time and circumstances to bite or benefit, gives me a better relationship with "timing".  It allows me to think differently about what seems to have been missed opportunities, or impossible dreams of the future.  AND, it gives me a little time to build up that stack of good.  Karma can be a simple moral compass. It can encourage acceptance of difficulties and efforts to be a better person.

Perhaps there aren't rules. Just one rule. You get what you give.  The nuances and subtleties are too many to account for. Just do and think good things.  As for that contentious karma point, because he benefitted from my action, regardless of motivation, since it wasn't my original intention, and since I received a unanimous vote from all whom I conversated with, I am taking that point. Perhaps it will negate my less then generous opinion of the bitch with all the coupons ;)

This is Emily Compton, a new guest contributer to "I'm Rambling."  Emily has been a friend of mine since the fourth grade.  Her unpublished works, such as the "Igor Gogel Giggleheimer Schmidt" series, are as yet, undiscovered classics. Stay tuned for more from this amazing author.

Not So Instant Karma 

by Emily Compton

Karma is a funny thing.  Its not something I am actively conscious of, but it is a concept I believe in.  Overall I consider myself a good person, I try to make thoughtful decisions and treat others with courtesy and respect.  So when I was issued a karmic challenge the other night, I failed, and it shocked and disappointed me.

In summation, an older man, dressed in goofy attire, approached me and my friends during a night of copious alcohol consumption.  I immediately warned him that we were not interested in inviting him into our conversation.  He stayed dispite my warning and was subjected to all manner of insults and degradation.  As he left, he cursed us with "Karma's gonna get you."

Great.  Just what I need. I already have a couple significant karmic blemishes from my past for which I have not yet recieved karmic retribution.  I haven't committed any crimes, but I do feel remorse for my past bad behavior . I also feel remorse for my ill treatment of this man.  Perhaps recognizing the bad behavior is a step towards negating the bad karma, which is why thus far, I have been able to keep karma at bay.

But at what point does karma catch up?  I've concluded that unless there is a cognizant effort to do right by others and myself, karma will eventually get me.  After much discussion with one of my fellow cursee's, a 10 day "karma cleanse" is in order.  I'm not going to go overboard by dramatically changing my life.  But I am going to actively try to be kind to others, and maintain a level of patience and peace.  I pledge not to gossip, or be judgemental of others. 

Let's see how it goes.  I almost immediately caught myself ridiculing an overweight man at a picnic table (in my mind), after the "karmic cleanse" was proposed.  I managed to justify the ridicule because I had not yet "formally committed" to the cleanse.  So this is it, my acceptance of the challenge to be a better person.  I hope the world is ready for the "kinder, gentler Emily"!  

Xenia.

"Above all things have fervent love for one another, for love will cover a multitude of sins.  Be hospitable to one another without grumbling. "   1 Peter 4:8-9

This is a cautionary tale...A modern day myth that the Greeks would applaud. 

It began at the bar.  An older, inebriated man approached our secluded table. We proceeded to discuss...well, I'm not sure what, (because of the alcohol? or the blinding curse of a Greek immortal in disguise?...you decide) regardless, our table was swept up in the perfect storm of sarcasm, feeding off of each others cleverness. I don't recall the topics, and I don't remember the words, but I know myself well enough to guarantee, they were probably funny, unkind, and completely unnecessary. The wayward stranger finally informed us that we were bringing bad karma upon ourselves, and left. It was an ugly moment. Though I do not believe I met Poseidon at the Alley Cantina, tragically, I did fail to recognize the God that is within this man.

To make matters even worse, I proceeded to spend the next two days consciously, actively, and happily participating in large quantities of unnecessary gossip and petty comparisons. It got so bad, I acknowledged my misbehavior before proceeding to do it anyway. It seems that everything I said, every conversation I engaged in, practically every thought I had, was hammering one more nail in my bad karma coffin.

Shit.

Now what? What can I do? Do I need to adopt a kid? Feed the poor? Pick up a hitchhiker? Is counteracting karma like losing weight? A land where weeks of work are lost in days of inactivity? I have this horrible suspicion that one good deed does NOT equal one bad one.

Though this is obviously a lifetime work in progress, I feel the need to immediately address the situation so as to negate this curse. I am thinking a ten day "fast".  Spend ten days actively, consciously, and happily looking for opportunity to walk away from slanderous exchanges.  Try not to concern myself with jealousy, comparisons, and competition.

Here goes, wish me luck, game on.

The Life Cycle of a Teacher.

May the road rise to meet you, may the wind be always at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face, the rains fall soft upon your fields. And until we meet again, May God hold you in the palm of his hand. Until we meet again.

It happens every year. And every year, you forget just how hard the end of the school year really is.  You work nonstop for the last month.  It begins with the struggle to keep the students engaged. I could end with that, and it would be sufficient enough of a challenge.  However, you still have to; finish out your curriculum, write letters of recommendation, write and grade finals, calculate and submit final grades, figure out who needs summer school, clean and close down your classroom (which basically entails moving out), finish end of the year paperwork and reports and if possible, eat a meal, or catch some exercise.

I looked around this morning at the shambles that my regular life had become in the wake of this storm. I was paralyzed by it. The laundry, the unpainted toe nails, dirty dishes, the thoughts I hadn't had time for, un-filed paperwork, un-returned phone calls and e mails. It was as if I had forgotten how to handle my life.

Please don't read this as "complaining about my summer break".  I would just like you to know that the first few weeks of summer, are literally traumatizing.

It begins with the stark contrast of the complete lack of commitments compared to the ten months you just spent multitasking your ass off. Though the lack of structure grows on you (usually around the last week of your summer break), initially it is a shocker. At least for my type A personality.
  
That isn't the hardest part. The hardest part is the emotional separation from the people you have invested yourself in emotionally for ten months. You have spent practically everyday with the same people. A huge assortment of human beings, that you, if you are good at your job, have gotten to know very well. Their likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses. What they are like on a good day. What they are like on a bad day. What their life is like at home, who their friends are.  It is a little like breaking up with a hundred people. 

A hole is left in your heart for every student that passes through your door.  Some leave a hole from their quiet but constant presence. Some leave a hole of amazing inspiration and creativity. Some the hole of clever jokes, or pleasant attitudes. Every single student is irreplaceable. Even the students we are glad to see go. (yes. we have those.), leave a hole. The hole of conflict no longer anticipated, preparation no longer necessary, patience no longer needed. The six mini families that were created in my classroom. Gone, never to be repeated or reassembled.

So my summer begins. With a deep shaky breath, putting one foot in front of the other.

Off the Grid.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do.   We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”    

~Marianne Williamson

Dear John Facebook,

It's not you. It's me.

According to my timeline, you and I got together in October of 2008.  For nearly four years, you have seen all of my experiences.  I think it is time for me to see what I am now without you. 

What I will miss most is keeping in touch with people, expressing my creativity through photographs and words, gaining inspiration from others, and funny conversations. 

I will not miss the time spent wondering what I will post next to feed my ego, waiting around for responses, recalling failed re-connections. I will also not miss being annoyed by "too much information" (my own transgressions included)

Thank you for the good times and the bad, but most importantly, thank you for making  me braver in sharing my life and my thoughts.  If what I have gained from our relationship is the ability to "put myself out there", I can only hope that I will be able to bring that into other areas of my life.

I have a few final pleas however,
Sister, please e mail me pictures of my adorable nephew.
Uncle Charlie, let me know if you want me to e mail you pics of myself ;) haa
Elena and Stephie, please forward me links that you think I would appreciate, I love the stuff you guys put out there!
Friends, please continue to invite me to stuff, or text or email me funny stories, or pictures.

also. Sorry if I miss any one's birthday.

Like many addicts, I think I will go out with one final binge...make my cut-off date the same as the official start to my summer. Thankfully you have your handy/sneaky little "sign back in and get your page back" feature.
Walkabout willing, I will return in the fall, hopefully with better perspective.

As you can see, dear Facebook, this is not a reflection of the service you provide, only my use of you.

Love always,
Sierra

Sabotage.

Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.

~Khalil Gibran

Faith and Sabotage. That's what's been on my mind lately.

Why do we make the choice to do something at the last minute; even though we know it is just going to cause us stress, inner criticism and the desire to take it out on others?

sabotage.

Why do we make the choice to eat like a billy goat, knowing that the version of ourselves that is full of resolve, and good decisions would TOTALLY disapprove of that ice cream / cookie / brownie / pizza / burger decision?

sabotage.

Why do we make the choice to focus on thoughts of negativity and despair, insisting that our will be done, on our time, with all the players behaving as we wish them to; even though we know peace is found in surrender and detachment?

sabotage.

I think it happens in the choosing.
The choice is where we interact with faith, and sabotage.

Awareness helps. We can catch ourselves and retract our hand from the self destruct button.
Beefing up your faith reserves seems to be a wise decision too.
Lastly, knowing what drives your own sabotage is useful.  For example, my personal favorite sabotage chauffeur is control.

However, sometimes that information is useless.
We are aware but we watch ourselves do it anyway.
Faith can be elusive sometimes, we question, we wonder, we examine things logically.
Sometimes, it just feels good to make a bad choice, because we can.

In those moments, I guess it is best to not be too hard on ourselves for choosing the carb paved road to Instantgratificationville.

My friends, sometimes taking care of yourself is HARD.
Today, I hope I can meet faith as a friend, and let sabotage wait outside.

Appreciation.

"There's no word in the language I revere more than 'teacher.' My heart sings when a kid refers to me as his teacher, and it always has. I've honored myself and the entire family of man by becoming a teacher."
--Pat Conroy, Prince of Tides

It is National Teacher Appreciation Week. And I have a confession to make.
I started out my week... to be honest, relatively jaded.
This is a tough time of year for teachers. School politics are tense because contracts are coming out, or not. Kids are two steps out the door, but still have things to do. Teachers are, let's face it, running out of patience. It is to be expected with the cyclical nature of the school experience. This is the descent of our combined contributions for the year.
I don't know if that is why "National Teacher Appreciation Week" falls at this time of year but...
Regardless. Some schools are very forthcoming with their appreciation. (parents and adminsitration doing things like duties for teachers, bringing pastries, or cookies, or lunch. which is SO awesome!) Some schools do nothing. (which should be acceptable.)
Unfortunately, I began this week with a very deserving attitude and was upset that my school was in the category of acceptable. They were ignoring my service, not honoring what I have given! I even posted an appropriate, but sarcastic card on my facebook page about teaching.
You know, to honor myself, and my peers, even if the cruel world would not. (insert back of hand to forehead here...)

Then my friend Tanya (thank you God for sending me Tanya!) posted a quote. About protecting the beauty and fragility of a child's mind, and what a blessing it was to be given that responsibility.

I realized I needed to adjust my perspective drastically and immediately, and I needed to make a few amends. I was wrong. Parents don't owe me. The administration doesn't owe me. My students don't owe me. I am thankful to them.

I love my job.
I love to laugh, and I do it everyday.
I love having twenty piles of ongoing things to do on my desk.
I love hearing the voices of every walk of life. In one room. With a common purpose.
I love having to constantly problem solve.
I love introducing someone to something interesting.
I love making people smile.
I love my job.

The rest of my Teacher's Appreciation Week is dedicated to how much I appreciate the life I am given as a teacher...
annnnd how much I am looking forward to summer ;)

Wonder-full.

This morning, my horoscope informed me that I should "expect at least one more wonderful day, and one more wonderful evening too."  My mind flooded with images of my previous day. Six hours, in a giant room, listening to high school presentations, while trying to maintain a respectful environment of 300+ seventh through twelfth graders, who are psyched to be downtown, and out of school. I groaned aloud. Knowing I did indeed have another "wonderful" day ahead of me.
Unfortunately, this honest thought was immediately followed by condemning myself for thinking it. "Nice positive attitude" I said to myself.  "Self-fulfilling prophecy anyone?" Somehow, at that moment, having a positive attitude, and admitting that life is hard could not co-exist. 
I could feel my mind grab hold of this idea. This... wonderful.
What did this wonderful day look like? How is everything, when everything is as it should be?
Is it a good hair day? A day where all the traffic lights are green? A day when you or loved ones receive excellent news? A day where everyone we encounter is helpful and happy? Does wonderful equal happy? 
Happiness couldn't really mean that you never feel discomfort. Very few people will be able to reach that point of never suffering... from their suffering.
and OH, we are promised suffering. Days where we battle the uncomfortable, and the scary.

So I found my exercise in awareness for the day. Looked at in a slightly different way, every day IS indeed wonder full. 
There is never a day without some marvel, astonishment, bewilderment, awe, or question.
Did this focus give me a pain free day? Absolutely not. Was it worth it? Most definitely.

Top 10 Findings of Wonder:

10. Music is one of the most amazing human experiences.

9. Lilacs smell like heaven.

8. A really tall kid presenting with a really short kid is an enjoyable juxtaposition for my eyes.

7. Neuro connections are made in our brains when we are a part of some one's life, and that connection lives forever, regardless of proximity, or future encounters. 

6. You stick your piece in a glory hole to heat it up.

5.  Hearing someone casually use the word glory hole in a legitimate presentation is funny, I don't care how old you are.

4. Glassblowing, bee keeping, blacksmithing, and body building are fascinating.

3.Amazing, generous people are in Santa Fe, making a difference.

2. I have perfected "the look".

1. A REAL wonderful day has downsides too and THAT is as it should be.

:)

Sometimes You're the Windshield.

This song basically sums up what I'm going to ramble about today. What I like most about this version is that it is just some guy. In his house. With tacky/possibly disturbing decorations.

This post is just me analyzing the history of my newest mental obsession. Analyzing an analysis. Virgo much? haa. Where was I?
Oh, this particular mental obsession began in a moment when I totally accepted that it was true. Life absolutely moves in ups and downs.  My truth spot realized that no matter how happy I was in a given moment (and in that moment, I was very happy), the other shoe would surely drop.  As that truth resonated, my heart began to tighten. I felt fear, clinging, sorrow, grief.  I realized that I was mourning the loss of my happy moment....and I wasn't even unhappy yet! 
What?!?! Oh NO.
I decided that I don't want to spend any of my happiness on this yet to be determined misfortune. As I remunated and stewed, the ups and downs began to look to me like the change of seasons.  

Follow me for a moment. Personally, I prefer Spring and Fall, but I understand that I will also experience Winter and Summer.  That is inevitable.  I am not upset by that. I can't control the seasons, and that's ok. Why should I be bothered by the fact that I can't control ups and downs? They will come. Like Winter.  Now, I do acknowledge that most of the downslopes in life are more unpleasant than getting up in the dark, or sweating.  Yet really, the idea is the same. Understanding my relationship with seasons helped me to understand how to better handle my ups and downs.  In the midst of Winter or Summer, I accept discomfort, because I know that it isn't going to be over for a while, and it isn't going to be forever. I dress appropriately, and forge on. Then, as these seasons come to a close, I become more impatient, more uncomfortable, more unhappy. Enter Spring and Fall, my enjoyment is at its peak.  Yet, somewhere in the midst of those seasons, I forget to be grateful for them. As they draw to a close, I begin to miss them and wish they would stay forever.
So, I guess the goal then is to find acceptance at the depth of a negative experience, try to extend it through the times when the anxiousness sets in. Then really be present in the best moments, remembering those moments are all the sweeter for their impermenance.

Wow. how simple. (sarcasm font)

Meh, I will see how it goes.
Hopefully, when the other shoe drops,
I will just wiggle my toes.

Seuss Inspired Stanzas.

I make it a habit of subjecting my students to surprise activities based on my mood, or random bits of inspiration that strike me in the shower.  This morning was no different. In order to celebrate the birth of one of my favorite authors, I dug out my "Oh, The Places You'll Go" and my copy of "Sneetches", and hustled off to school.
In my History classes, it just so happened that we are finishing our study of the Holocaust and I had just enough foresight to save my lesson where we examine some of Dr. Seuss's political cartoons, published during WWII.  The kids always think it is so cool to see one of their favorite childhood authors reflected in the content we are studying. They find it fascinating that he did not begin his career with Cat in the Hat.
Then I read them Sneetches.  If you haven't had this experience, and you are a teacher, let me recommend to you that you read picture books aloud to your students, regardless of their age. While it may sound antithetical to 16 year olds, I promise you, THEY LOVE IT.  They smile, laugh, and respond as their five year old counterparts would. Their heads follow the book around the room, straining to see the vibrant pictures.

Theodor Geisel improved the day
and made a hundred people smile away.
(most assuredly more,
but that's all I can account for)

In my eighth grade English class, we discussed the various morals in the Dr. Seuss books that they were familiar with, and I proceeded to read them my two favorite stories (lest we forget it is all about me.)  While reading about Bixby and Bray, I decided I wanted them to try to create a short "Seuss Inspired Stanza". 
The guidelines were: it had to have a moral, it had to rhyme, and it had to include a few silly words, or sounds. The students asked if they could work in small groups, I agreed, and they were off. They were given only 15 minutes to complete the activity, and I think they rocked it!
Here are a few examples of their fabulocity...

Little Sally Doodledoo
told someone something that wasn't true
she told them about her five thousand shoes.
It went around the entire school,who knew it wasn't true,
because it was told by Little Sally Doodledoo.
It was a harmless story,
so she started talking about Lori,
who was hanging out with Torry,
that made Hillary mad
and then the whole story went bad.
Never tell a lie for what it might do,
just remember Little Sally Doodledoo,
and how she learned a thing or two.
~Kyle and Luisa

Lullest was a small door mouse
who lived in a small house
with a rock name Shameal
which obviously was not real
He talked with the rock everyday of his life
until he got bored with this eternal life.
He decided to leave his small house
to find a new friend, maybe a mouse.
As he stepped outside
he suddenly died.
SO live you life to the fullest
cuz you don't want to end up like Lullest.
~Lauren

One day I was walking and saw a giraffe
who wore such a sweater it would make one laugh
I'm quite fond of giraffes wearing sweaters
and also walruses that live in the Nethers
It's funny that walruses have nothing to do
with the story, so I'll talk about glue
it's sticky and useful and sometimes wasted
you use it for glueing and sometimes it's tasted.
~Jake and Terren
um, the moral of that one is completely unclear...but, it made me laugh.

Bah Luvbug.

So, here it is. My least favorite day of the year. yup. that's right, I am going to complain about Valentine's Day. Feel free to skip this diatribe. It promises to be bitter.

I have two stories for you. They are both stories of unnecessary disappointment. Sit back and relax kiddos and let Bitter Betty tell you why she doesn't like Valentine's Day.  (Thankfully she only wants to visit and tell this story once a year!)

Tale number one: How it went when I was a kid.

      I am 8. (7,9,10) I spend half an hour in the store deciding which box of Valentine's to get. I settle on Care Bears.  I come home and carefully tear the Valentine's apart, separating them into neat piles. Filling out first the "Hooray, Hooray, It's Valentine's Day" cards for the kids who were mean, or smelled bad.  Savoring the moment when I would dedicate the "You make my heart happy" card to my future husband. The remaining cards were then split between my buddies. 
Once at the party I tore through my own bag of mandatory cards...searching for the one from my crush, knowing I would be reading it many times that day.  As I opened that, never sealed no matter how much you licked it, envelope, I would close my eyes and hope for the card that referenced our deep "Transforming" love for each other, but usually it was the penguin who says "You're Cool".

Tale #2: The four kinds of Valentine's revelers.
 
1.  The person in the "happy relationship". The person in the "happy relationship" has hyped this day up so much, they couldn't possibly be satisfied.  If this person happens to be satisfied THIS year, next year will probably disappoint.
2.  The person who is miserably single. I really don't need to explain this person to you.  Even the happiest of singles do not enjoy Valentine's Day. Which leads me to #3.
3.  The person who tries to "take back the holiday!" and make it about love in general. Listen, I have tried to be this person, but I never forgot what Hallmark wants it to be about. They had me at Care Bear. Therefore, this person is either: #2, who feels bad, understands that they shouldn't, and tries to fight it.
OR #1, who feels bad for you, because you are single, and should be pitied on this day.
4.  The exceptions to the rule.  Yeah, if you got pissed during the previous three, this is probably you.  Sorry. I am glad you had a wonderful day!

Life is Short. Let's Love.

This is the Photo of the Year 2011 from the World Press Photo Contest. 

"Whether one believes in a religion or not, and whether one believes in rebirth or not, there isn't anyone who doesn't appreciate kindness and compassion" ~ Dalai Lama

Anyone who knows me, knows that I can't help but try to promote understanding and positive views of Muslims.  Blessed with the experience of teaching in a Muslim school, I have seen first hand the nature of the community.  Unfortunately, I was also witness to the despicable way that some of my fellow Americans treat that which they do not understand. Our fear, biased media, and general lack of knowledge about this particular group of people can lead to a dangerous perspective.
This picture is beautiful.  With the obvious parallel to the much beloved "Pieta", this picture invokes empathy.  I am drawn to it because it illustrates the simple fact that we are alike, not different. 
We all enjoy laughter, and children, and baby animals. We have all experienced loss and despair. We all seek understanding and acceptance. We all love and are loved.  Every. Last. Human.
The more I can remember that, the more compassion, interest, and light I can bring into the world.

The Law of Plans.

The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once. ~Albert Einstein

I have a CPR training Thursday evening.
My long lost little brother will be in town and wants to have dinner...Thursday evening.
My friend, who never does, needs a babysitter....yup... Thursday evening.
I literally haven't had plans on a Thursday evening in ....?....

Why does it seem that everything happens all at once.
Ok, ok Einstein, I realize that it isn't LITERALLY happening all at once....but,you can't deny that things do happen in groupings and waves and clusters. They come in packs and bunches and clumps and....you get the picture...
Sometimes it is many occassions all on one day...
Sometimes it is a string of bad luck, or to be an optimist, a string of good luck...(haaa. who am I kidding, it's normally just bad luck...I just said that good luck thing as a preventative...a pinch of salt over the shoulder...a knock on wood)

Is there some weird law of attraction that has to do with "abnormal" activity? Like, once something out of the ordinary happens, like minded out of the ordinary things will join it?

All I know for sure is....
I have a busy day Thursday ;)

A Thank You Not.

Dear Moleskine Monthly Planner,

     Well, first of all, let me thank you for being one of my favorite products EVER.  You are the most supple, simple-yet-classy, enjoyable (read it again, I said enjoyable) planner that my virgoan mind has ever had the pleasure of using.

Next, I think it is important to acknowledge how awesome it is that you are offered on Amazon for $7, for the fair exchange of a month of my life waiting for delivery. Which I agreed to because you are worth a month filled with sticky notes and missed meetings. After patiently waiting the month, you can imagine my delight, when I opened the email that told me you were now "unavailable" until the end of February.

Don't worry, because after I searched for stores that sold you, I got to dash around to all of them and meet tiny versions of you, or your notebook brother.  Of course, I finally wised up (ya, it really did take me four different disappointments) and called first, and wouldn't you know, the final store did  have "Moleskine Monthly Planners". Which, having four stores of wisdom behind me, I specifically asked for.

My favorite thing you did for me though, was to send me expectantly into the Catholic College Bookstore to be deflated by the more informed manager when I found out that indeed you were NOT sold there. This part of the story is my favorite because I then found myself exclaiming, "Fuck! Jesus Christ!".   To the glory of all, especially that lying bastard employee scampering into the aisles.  As if you hadn't done enough for me, I also appreciate the distracted state of mind that sent me straight into that mud trap.

Then, I thought it was really cool, how you are "Sold Out" on the actual company website.(ya, I looked there last) You are sooo amazing, that you are not even available in the place where you are made.

All of that aside though, I actually want to thank you for the frustrating lesson in patience, acceptance, and the stupidity of material attachment.

Sincerely,
Sierra
P.S. I am sorry to anyone who I offended in the search for this product ...

Word.

Warning: This is one of those stories that is seemingly many unrelated threads, but it IS going to come full circle.  I promise. 

You may recall this guy.  He showed up on my porch this past August.

I sat down on my couch, looked out my back door, and there he was. Chillin.

I looked into his eyes, and had that really long second. That second where you say...sometimes aloud, sometimes not, "What the f#*k am I seeing?"  He waited around just long enough for me to compose myself and take this picture. Then, like a streak of reptilian lightning, my visitor shot up the wall and out of my life. 

You might think that was enough reptile encounters for one person.

Well, just the other day, I unfolded a blanket and found myself in the middle of another really long second.  I saw what I identified at first as a large dried leaf.  By the end of the second, I discovered that the leaf  had little feet and a tail.  The leaf was a dead lizard. A regular, New Mexico lizard who crawled into my life, and died. 

I do not have a picture of that little guy.  That is because I freaked out, did the "gross, gross gross,"dance and flushed him down the toilet, followed by one more round of the "gross, gross, gross" dance, and some hand washing.

The continued presence of lizards in my mental landscape prompted me to investigate them a little further.

The pieces of research that resonated with me the most involved intuition, adaptation, regeneration, and a desire to simply bask in the sun. 

I also discovered that 2012 is the year of the Dragon. I was born in the year of the Dragon.  OH, and Kimodo Dragons can be as big as 11 feet and weigh like 300 pounds, and have been known to hunt humans. WHAT?!

Meanwhile, on another front, I have been working on finalizing my "word for the year".  This was a great idea I saw on facebook back around resolution time. The word I originally chose was "BREATHE".  I wanted time to sit with it, make sure no other word struck me.  

I have yet to find another that I like more. 

Breathe.

It is sound advice, it is necessary, it is simple.

Breathe.

AND, as if those two things weren't unrelated enough. My eighth graders and I have been working on our own "Personal Mission Statement".  The rough draft was due this past Friday, so I needed to finish my "example" for my students. 

I composed this short, hopefully sensical, and not copy write infringed, statement from the lyrics of various songs entitled Breathe. (There are a lot of them...if that tells ya anything...)

"All you touch and all you see, Is all your life will ever be.

If I just breathe and let it fill the space between,

I'll know everything is alright.

I found a place inside a sound.

I found grace and it's all around.

Breathe, keep breathing. Don't lose your nerve.

Cuz you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,

and life's like an hourglass, glued to the table."

 My Mission Statement for 2012. Word.