The Life Cycle of a Teacher.

May the road rise to meet you, may the wind be always at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face, the rains fall soft upon your fields. And until we meet again, May God hold you in the palm of his hand. Until we meet again.

It happens every year. And every year, you forget just how hard the end of the school year really is.  You work nonstop for the last month.  It begins with the struggle to keep the students engaged. I could end with that, and it would be sufficient enough of a challenge.  However, you still have to; finish out your curriculum, write letters of recommendation, write and grade finals, calculate and submit final grades, figure out who needs summer school, clean and close down your classroom (which basically entails moving out), finish end of the year paperwork and reports and if possible, eat a meal, or catch some exercise.

I looked around this morning at the shambles that my regular life had become in the wake of this storm. I was paralyzed by it. The laundry, the unpainted toe nails, dirty dishes, the thoughts I hadn't had time for, un-filed paperwork, un-returned phone calls and e mails. It was as if I had forgotten how to handle my life.

Please don't read this as "complaining about my summer break".  I would just like you to know that the first few weeks of summer, are literally traumatizing.

It begins with the stark contrast of the complete lack of commitments compared to the ten months you just spent multitasking your ass off. Though the lack of structure grows on you (usually around the last week of your summer break), initially it is a shocker. At least for my type A personality.
  
That isn't the hardest part. The hardest part is the emotional separation from the people you have invested yourself in emotionally for ten months. You have spent practically everyday with the same people. A huge assortment of human beings, that you, if you are good at your job, have gotten to know very well. Their likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses. What they are like on a good day. What they are like on a bad day. What their life is like at home, who their friends are.  It is a little like breaking up with a hundred people. 

A hole is left in your heart for every student that passes through your door.  Some leave a hole from their quiet but constant presence. Some leave a hole of amazing inspiration and creativity. Some the hole of clever jokes, or pleasant attitudes. Every single student is irreplaceable. Even the students we are glad to see go. (yes. we have those.), leave a hole. The hole of conflict no longer anticipated, preparation no longer necessary, patience no longer needed. The six mini families that were created in my classroom. Gone, never to be repeated or reassembled.

So my summer begins. With a deep shaky breath, putting one foot in front of the other.

Off the Grid.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do.   We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”    

~Marianne Williamson

Dear John Facebook,

It's not you. It's me.

According to my timeline, you and I got together in October of 2008.  For nearly four years, you have seen all of my experiences.  I think it is time for me to see what I am now without you. 

What I will miss most is keeping in touch with people, expressing my creativity through photographs and words, gaining inspiration from others, and funny conversations. 

I will not miss the time spent wondering what I will post next to feed my ego, waiting around for responses, recalling failed re-connections. I will also not miss being annoyed by "too much information" (my own transgressions included)

Thank you for the good times and the bad, but most importantly, thank you for making  me braver in sharing my life and my thoughts.  If what I have gained from our relationship is the ability to "put myself out there", I can only hope that I will be able to bring that into other areas of my life.

I have a few final pleas however,
Sister, please e mail me pictures of my adorable nephew.
Uncle Charlie, let me know if you want me to e mail you pics of myself ;) haa
Elena and Stephie, please forward me links that you think I would appreciate, I love the stuff you guys put out there!
Friends, please continue to invite me to stuff, or text or email me funny stories, or pictures.

also. Sorry if I miss any one's birthday.

Like many addicts, I think I will go out with one final binge...make my cut-off date the same as the official start to my summer. Thankfully you have your handy/sneaky little "sign back in and get your page back" feature.
Walkabout willing, I will return in the fall, hopefully with better perspective.

As you can see, dear Facebook, this is not a reflection of the service you provide, only my use of you.

Love always,
Sierra

Sabotage.

Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.

~Khalil Gibran

Faith and Sabotage. That's what's been on my mind lately.

Why do we make the choice to do something at the last minute; even though we know it is just going to cause us stress, inner criticism and the desire to take it out on others?

sabotage.

Why do we make the choice to eat like a billy goat, knowing that the version of ourselves that is full of resolve, and good decisions would TOTALLY disapprove of that ice cream / cookie / brownie / pizza / burger decision?

sabotage.

Why do we make the choice to focus on thoughts of negativity and despair, insisting that our will be done, on our time, with all the players behaving as we wish them to; even though we know peace is found in surrender and detachment?

sabotage.

I think it happens in the choosing.
The choice is where we interact with faith, and sabotage.

Awareness helps. We can catch ourselves and retract our hand from the self destruct button.
Beefing up your faith reserves seems to be a wise decision too.
Lastly, knowing what drives your own sabotage is useful.  For example, my personal favorite sabotage chauffeur is control.

However, sometimes that information is useless.
We are aware but we watch ourselves do it anyway.
Faith can be elusive sometimes, we question, we wonder, we examine things logically.
Sometimes, it just feels good to make a bad choice, because we can.

In those moments, I guess it is best to not be too hard on ourselves for choosing the carb paved road to Instantgratificationville.

My friends, sometimes taking care of yourself is HARD.
Today, I hope I can meet faith as a friend, and let sabotage wait outside.

Appreciation.

"There's no word in the language I revere more than 'teacher.' My heart sings when a kid refers to me as his teacher, and it always has. I've honored myself and the entire family of man by becoming a teacher."
--Pat Conroy, Prince of Tides

It is National Teacher Appreciation Week. And I have a confession to make.
I started out my week... to be honest, relatively jaded.
This is a tough time of year for teachers. School politics are tense because contracts are coming out, or not. Kids are two steps out the door, but still have things to do. Teachers are, let's face it, running out of patience. It is to be expected with the cyclical nature of the school experience. This is the descent of our combined contributions for the year.
I don't know if that is why "National Teacher Appreciation Week" falls at this time of year but...
Regardless. Some schools are very forthcoming with their appreciation. (parents and adminsitration doing things like duties for teachers, bringing pastries, or cookies, or lunch. which is SO awesome!) Some schools do nothing. (which should be acceptable.)
Unfortunately, I began this week with a very deserving attitude and was upset that my school was in the category of acceptable. They were ignoring my service, not honoring what I have given! I even posted an appropriate, but sarcastic card on my facebook page about teaching.
You know, to honor myself, and my peers, even if the cruel world would not. (insert back of hand to forehead here...)

Then my friend Tanya (thank you God for sending me Tanya!) posted a quote. About protecting the beauty and fragility of a child's mind, and what a blessing it was to be given that responsibility.

I realized I needed to adjust my perspective drastically and immediately, and I needed to make a few amends. I was wrong. Parents don't owe me. The administration doesn't owe me. My students don't owe me. I am thankful to them.

I love my job.
I love to laugh, and I do it everyday.
I love having twenty piles of ongoing things to do on my desk.
I love hearing the voices of every walk of life. In one room. With a common purpose.
I love having to constantly problem solve.
I love introducing someone to something interesting.
I love making people smile.
I love my job.

The rest of my Teacher's Appreciation Week is dedicated to how much I appreciate the life I am given as a teacher...
annnnd how much I am looking forward to summer ;)

Wonder-full.

This morning, my horoscope informed me that I should "expect at least one more wonderful day, and one more wonderful evening too."  My mind flooded with images of my previous day. Six hours, in a giant room, listening to high school presentations, while trying to maintain a respectful environment of 300+ seventh through twelfth graders, who are psyched to be downtown, and out of school. I groaned aloud. Knowing I did indeed have another "wonderful" day ahead of me.
Unfortunately, this honest thought was immediately followed by condemning myself for thinking it. "Nice positive attitude" I said to myself.  "Self-fulfilling prophecy anyone?" Somehow, at that moment, having a positive attitude, and admitting that life is hard could not co-exist. 
I could feel my mind grab hold of this idea. This... wonderful.
What did this wonderful day look like? How is everything, when everything is as it should be?
Is it a good hair day? A day where all the traffic lights are green? A day when you or loved ones receive excellent news? A day where everyone we encounter is helpful and happy? Does wonderful equal happy? 
Happiness couldn't really mean that you never feel discomfort. Very few people will be able to reach that point of never suffering... from their suffering.
and OH, we are promised suffering. Days where we battle the uncomfortable, and the scary.

So I found my exercise in awareness for the day. Looked at in a slightly different way, every day IS indeed wonder full. 
There is never a day without some marvel, astonishment, bewilderment, awe, or question.
Did this focus give me a pain free day? Absolutely not. Was it worth it? Most definitely.

Top 10 Findings of Wonder:

10. Music is one of the most amazing human experiences.

9. Lilacs smell like heaven.

8. A really tall kid presenting with a really short kid is an enjoyable juxtaposition for my eyes.

7. Neuro connections are made in our brains when we are a part of some one's life, and that connection lives forever, regardless of proximity, or future encounters. 

6. You stick your piece in a glory hole to heat it up.

5.  Hearing someone casually use the word glory hole in a legitimate presentation is funny, I don't care how old you are.

4. Glassblowing, bee keeping, blacksmithing, and body building are fascinating.

3.Amazing, generous people are in Santa Fe, making a difference.

2. I have perfected "the look".

1. A REAL wonderful day has downsides too and THAT is as it should be.

:)